A few weeks ago I had one of those days that sent me into a stressed, frustrated fit.
Luke and I had taken time to relax most of the weekend and now it was time to get some business done.
Unfortunately nothing seemed to go right. We both had our independent “tasks” to accomplish. But due-to elements I have no control over I ended up needing Luke’s help on my “independent” tasks and he needed my help for his.
Also, I am one of those “work first play later” types. I’d rather get work done during the day so there is time to relax in the evening.
But at 10pm I was still doing prep-work for the coming week and Luke was working on banking paperwork. At this point my tolerance for what was out of my control disappeared. When I saw the clock I got angry. Thinking about what was still left to do, my hope for a few minutes to relax before going to sleep was gone.
It took me a long time (and some help from Luke) before I calmed down. When I did I recognize I was mostly upset with myself. It did not matter that the pattern of how events occurred during day were out of my control-I somehow still found a way to accuse myself for the day’s problems. I felt as though I had failed.
Why? Because that is what I do: I judge myself. I determine my worth and evaluate my success by my own internal and flawed standards. And once this introvert succumbs to those feelings of failure/inadequacy all self-confidence deflates. I find myself paralyzed; kicking myself while I am down. I point a finger and ask “how could you?” or “you should know better” or “you should have/could have done better”.
This is just one story definition of how self-judgment prevents me from having a proper perspective of myself and events around me. I find myself feeling the need to apologize for what is not my fault. Then it takes conscious effort to recognize it is not my fault, that the day was a success, and that my self-worth is not based in my accomplishments/or lack there-of.
Like I said before, I am my harshest critic.
Are you seeing a better picture of why it is important for me to become judgment-free?
Do you also suffer from put-yourself-down-itis?
3 thoughts on “A story definition of self-judgement”
Oh, yes, don’t we all get hit with those lies when we are under pressure?They sneak in through unseen cracks like those pesky little ants that arrive every spring on my kitchen counter. When life comes pouring in and hits me in the face with all the things that I needed to do–yesterday, I have no choice. I have to sit down and pray in order to gain a new perspective. Fixing my eyes on Him, I am able to take one splashing wave at a time. Unfortunately, even at my age :>) this is not my first response :>) but I get there–eventually.
At least you recognize this at a young age. Some us it takes a while longer to face up to these self judgements. Like always demanding perfection from ourselves and sometimes putting it on others in our lives. Keep centered on Christ that the best advise anyone can give.