A few weeks ago I had one of those days that sent me into a stressed, frustrated fit.
Luke and I had taken time to relax most of the weekend and now it was time to get some business done.
Unfortunately nothing seemed to go right. We both had our independent “tasks” to accomplish. But due-to elements I have no control over I ended up needing Luke’s help on my “independent” tasks and he needed my help for his.
Also, I am one of those “work first play later” types. I’d rather get work done during the day so there is time to relax in the evening.
But at 10pm I was still doing prep-work for the coming week and Luke was working on banking paperwork. At this point my tolerance for what was out of my control disappeared. When I saw the clock I got angry. Thinking about what was still left to do, my hope for a few minutes to relax before going to sleep was gone.
It took me a long time (and some help from Luke) before I calmed down. When I did I recognize I was mostly upset with myself. It did not matter that the pattern of how events occurred during day were out of my control-I somehow still found a way to accuse myself for the day’s problems. I felt as though I had failed.
Why? Because that is what I do: I judge myself. I determine my worth and evaluate my success by my own internal and flawed standards. And once this introvert succumbs to those feelings of failure/inadequacy all self-confidence deflates. I find myself paralyzed; kicking myself while I am down. I point a finger and ask “how could you?” or “you should know better” or “you should have/could have done better”.
This is just one story definition of how self-judgment prevents me from having a proper perspective of myself and events around me. I find myself feeling the need to apologize for what is not my fault. Then it takes conscious effort to recognize it is not my fault, that the day was a success, and that my self-worth is not based in my accomplishments/or lack there-of.
Like I said before, I am my harshest critic.
Are you seeing a better picture of why it is important for me to become judgment-free?
Do you also suffer from put-yourself-down-itis?