Something shifted for me in this new year.
I am finding myself yearning to focus on one thing at a time. I am content immersing myself into playtime with my son, or to sit and talk with him while he eats his snack. I see my to do list is brief and I breath a sigh of relief and even then, I determine: what on this list can I put off or can I do slower over the next few days?
For anyone who has known me for awhile they would find this bizarre. I am normally anxiously tied to both clock and my to do list. I have always been more focused on the tasks, staying organized and finishing projects than I have been resting, being, and enjoying the moment.
It’s like my internal prioritizing system is filtering differently. I see the dirty floors, the dishes, the laundry, the need to reorganize and yes it bothers me. But it is like it’s somehow easier to accept that this is the way it is . . .for now.
That spot on the floor, that section that got missed in dusting, that lint on the carpet, those never-ending pine needles in the mudroom. They used to glare at me like failure. I’ve been so detailed focused, striving to putting equal energy and time into everything I do. The past three years have been a battle to realize-I am finite and I cannot put forth full energy into every role, task, request, or expectation. I have to make choices.
I have also come to the realization that no one cares. Really and that’s been hard for me. Everyone wants me-to be me. They want my attention, listening ear, help, interaction, sympathy, hugs, kisses, comfort, silliness more than a clean or organized house.
An internal clock has hit reminding me I have 4 more precious months to enjoy my son as an only. Where I can give him undivided attention for long periods of time. I find myself relishing in these moments. Yes I still need breaks, yes we have our moments. But I am not feeling that internal tug of war-the guilt, shame pulling between my son and the to do list. Whether this is temporary or not-it is clear my son has won. And I think I am happy with that.
With a toddler and one on the way my new years’ choices seem clear. Yes, take time to do the projects, clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry. They are still necessary but so is playtime, rest, real talks, and time to just be together before it all changes.